happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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