so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
