Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
