just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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