Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
