We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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