3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
