I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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