he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
