Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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