Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
