Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
