I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
