I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
