U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
