the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
