I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
