Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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