oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
