What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
