it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
