Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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