You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
