im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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