I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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