If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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