I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
