apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
