I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
