I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
