U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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