There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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