Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
