I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
