either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
