chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
