Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
