fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
