theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
