I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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