I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
