dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Randomize
