I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
