carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
