I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
