How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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