i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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