I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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