I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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