I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
